Things Not to Go Cheap On (A Poem)
Park your Citroen and come on in! Jack's Man Cave has the full bar, the tufted leather couch, the lacquer backgammon table, and the psychedelic electric fireplace. There’s also a Foosball table and the groovy Hamm’s Beer motion signs lit up and shimmering. Gaze at the mounted surfboards and guitars and the LP record covers on the wall. Let’s crank up the Mott the Hoople vinyl record on the turntable, neck a few Lowenbrau’s, and party like we’re in the ski lodge after a perfect powder day.
"Family Intervenes to Make Man Stop Delaying Stool Sample Test"
Chula Vista Times
A wife and children held an "intervention" last week to convince a 52-year-old husband and father to mail in the colon cancer test sent to him two years ago on his 50th Birthday. Family and friends do not understand George Clooney's (real name withheld) refusal to move.
"I tried a professional intervention-type person," said wife Trixie (not real name). "But the assh*** kept laughing and making jokes like 'that's not really what I doo.' 'Real funny,' I said, then hung up."
Family and friends had mixed emotions when they found out the reason for the gathering held last Friday at the family home.
"They wouldn't tell us what it was about, so when I dropped by the house and plopped on the couch I was ready to talk about almost anything. There's about four or five different issues he's got way bigger than this. This whole stool thing just snuck up on me. I never saw it coming," said Mikey, Trixie's brother.
Mother-in-law "Judes" (not real name) was actually "relieved."
"When I found out what it was about, I said 'you've got to be sh**ting me,'" said the registered nurse and former Rockette.
Speaking with Clooney's two high-schooled aged sons, they expressed frustration at the logjam and father's refusal to budge.
"It's pretty sad. Dad's stared at the envelope on his desk for two whole years without pulling the trigger. It embarrasses me. He taught me everything I know about . . . I used to look up to him when it came to things like this," said Son #1 (name withheld for privacy).
"He's always telling us what we should be doing . . . like 'go read a book' or 'you should brush your teeth more often.' I say, 'Well, you should go do your poo test.' That always shuts him right up and gets him off my back," said Son #2.
|Stool test envelope, probably stale|
Family friends said they could only wait so long.
"I squared up to him and said it was time to 'sh** or get off the pot,'" said friend Phil McCracken (not real name). "I said 'be a man, you got a lot of people depending on you around here.' Depends, get it?" (Laughing).
"I told the family, don't let him watch the Super Bowl unless he does the test, y'know. It's like 'hop on the bowl, or no Bowl,'" said family friend Seymour Butts (not real name).
The family says George spends hours in the bathroom sitting playing his guitar anyway, so they never understood the reluctance to take the potentially life-saving stool sample.
"I've heard him in there squeezing out all of Side 2 of 'Dark Side of the Moon. ' Badly mind you, but without even a break between songs," said Trixie. "This should be right up his alley."
Speaking to George Clooney directly, we tried to get the straight poop.
"I just couldn't be arsed about it," said Clooney (not his real name). "Every day, I said to myself, 'let's push it to tomorrow.' Something unexpected always popped up, like the whole COVID-19 thing, then the Tiger King show, and Bitcoin. I didn't want to hold up any of the mail-in ballots either. When the Padres lost in the playoffs, I got really down in the dumps."
The family compromised and told Clooney they'll be looking for the stool to be in the mail by the end of the week, or he cannot pick squares on their Super Bowl Bingo craps table.
© Jack Clune 2021
I am disappointed my new Sorel bedroom slippers already smell this bad, only a few weeks after Christmas. My wife bought them for me, and the fleece lining was so comfortable, I did not want to wear socks with them. I knew something was wrong after about three days of wearing them. One night, I was practicing a song on my guitar ("Carefree Highway") when I got an itch on my foot, so slipped one of the slippers off my foot partially to scratch it. That's when I got a whiff. It was pretty bad, so I figured I better air these things out for one night. I took them off, took a shower, and figured everything would be okay the next morning. I should have known there was a problem when I got out of the shower, and the dog was sitting next to them. He only comes in my room and sits there when I order the Salt and Pepper chicken wings from the Chinese restaurant across from Southwestern College. Anyway the other night I was in a rush to get up to bed because my wife and I were going to watch the Tiger Woods special - the documentary about how he cheated and his wife beat him with a golf club. I took the slippers off and climbed into bed I somehow knew to let my feet air out first before I put them under the covers. Good thing
"Wait a second. What the hell is that God-awful smell?" asked my wife Tracy. Yes, it was my feet. I had to admit it."Oh my God! Get your feet and those slippers out of this room right now!" I had to go downstairs and take another, unplanned shower. When I got out of the shower I had a text message. "Your feet left a horrible smell on the bedspread. You're disgusting." That text was from my wife. I went upstairs and I did not smell anything that bad, so I think she was exaggerating. But none of this is what I expected. I've researched on YouTube "How to Clean Your Ugg Boots." I thought I was just going to be able to throw them in the washing machine. Like I did with my five-year-old purple Adidas sneakers- they look brand new now. No, instead I have to buy some fancy Ugg Boot cleaning kit. This is far too much work, and I feel embarrassed to ask Tracy to do it.
I guess I'm just saying that there should be a warning label on the box- "Don't wear these slippers more than three days in a row, without a break," or "Slippers May Stink if you Don't Wear Socks." It's just a bummer.
Chula Vista Times
A Southern California man says he's registering a protest against Global Warming by refusing to surf the perfect conditions that have persisted in the Golden State over the last few weeks.
"I'm fed up," says Jack Clune, a 52-year-old husband, and father of two boys. Speaking from his home in Chula Vista, nearly 15 miles from the nearest beach. Clune says he is engaged in a peaceful protest- for now.
"It's f@#$% ridiculous. Every single goddamn day, the wind is offshore, it's sunny, and the waves are 4 to 6 feet and firing," says Clune.
He's also angry that he now has all the free time in the world to go to the beach and surf, with the Covid-19 virus bringing his job as a personal injury attorney to a halt. Clune says there are far fewer car accidents or dog bites since the world shut down.
"Look, when I was growing up, and an actually half-way decent surfer, the waves sucked! And whenever there was a swell, I had a final exam, or I just started some shitty new job where I couldn't leave."
Speaking with Clune's wife Tracy, she says she has doubts about Clune's stated beef with Global Warming.
"Jack was invited by a friend who really surfs, to go on the friend's boat to a secret surfing spot. The waves were perfect, but he was so fat and out of shape, he rode his surfboard like a Boogie Board the whole time, because he couldn't stand up. He also said the new XXL wetsuit he bought online was loose everywhere except the belly, so he got real cold fast."
We tracked down the friend to see if we could get the real story. Insisting on anonymity "B.L." did not initially return our phone calls.
"It was embarrassing. It's been a few years, so I thought it would be fun to invite him on the boat. The whole crew at the break saw him give up trying to stand, and Boogie Boarding the peak. I'm gonna grow a goatee, and give it a few weeks before I go back. I've been getting stink eye around the dock."
|B.L. "Let down, and embarrassed"|
Speaking with Clune's wife Tracy again:
"I've never known him to be concerned with environmental or political issues. This is his first protest if you don't count the time Costco changed from Hebrew National to Kirkland hotdogs, and he took a few weeks off before he gave in."
Asked when his protest will end, Clune says he's monitoring the situation.
"If the water warms up, and the waves return to normal size in summer, I'll probably go back."
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