I'm Looking Forward to Home Schooling My Kids During the Pandemic

Boy do they need it

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If you were a fly on the wall at my house, you would not believe some of the ridiculous things my two sons say to me. I’m actually glad that over the next few weeks and months it looks like I will have the opportunity to Home School these two jokers.

Sports analysis

I came upon my sons eating their breakfast and watching an ESPN story on Tom Brady joining the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

“Tom Brady sucks,” I correctly told them.

“Dad, c’mon cut it out,” said Son 1.

“Dad, Tom Brady is still good,” said Son 2.

“Well, how old is he?” I asked

“He’s like, 42 now,” Son 1 said.

“Well, that’s it. He sucks. When you get old you suck,” I said.

“Dad, Tom Brady has like 6 Super Bowl rings, he doesn’t suck, okay?”

“He’s old. He sucks.”

Reading a Book

The other day I caught Son 1 lying on a couch, reading a book.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked him

“I’m reading a book, Dad.”

“What book?” I said, ripping it out of his hands. “To Kill a Mockingbird?!”

“Yeah, Dad. What’s wrong with that?” said Son 1.

“Hello?! They made a movie of that book. All you have to do is rent it on YouTube, and watch it on double speed- you’ll be done with it in like a half hour!” I told him.

“Dad, that’s not how I want to read the book.”

“Whatever, it’s your life, waste it how you want,” I said.

Planning a Career

“What do you wanna do when you grow up?” I asked Son 2 at dinner.

“I’m not sure yet, but I know I really want to help people,” he said.

“Oh great. Great answer. How ya gonna pay the bills- ‘helping people?’” I asked him.

“Well, I don’t know, what do you think I should do?”

“How the hell should I know? But you gotta make a lot of money. And you better have a lot of internet followers. And you gotta get ripped. I mean shredded, with a twelve-pack of abs.”

“Dad, what is wrong with you?” asked Son 2.

“I think you should go to Wall Street and be a hedge fund manager,” I said.

“What’s a hedge fund manager do?” Son 2 asked.

“They move rich people’s money around and make huge commissions,” I said.

“I don’t think I understand,” said Son 2.

“Well, then be a TikTok star or a blogger on Medium.”

© Copyright 2020 Jack Clune